Yelling at me and telling me I need to eat more is not going to help me recover.  It is not going to make me feel safe or want to eat.  It is going to make me more secretive and make me hide more, which will only make my disorder worse.

I ate your stupid fucking pizza and cake today, but I am going to restrict tommorrow, and end up at the same point as if I hadnt ate it.  Only I wont have to listen to you bitch and whine and complain about my bones sticking out and how you think I look like shit.

And complaining about how fattening the pizza is, and how the cake is going to go straight to your hips doe not help me eat either.  Niether does it help when you say “I wish I had your problem”

Thank you, rant over.

I am too small for the smallest size at the clothing store I usually shop at.  I may have to stick to junior sizes only, which sucks because as a 34 yr old, I feel  ridiculous in teenager clothes.

Went to the nutritionist  today.  She has advised me:

-to stay seated as much as possible (yeah, with 4 kids and a full time job and a house to keep clean like thats going to happen)

-Get my intake back up to 1500 cals a day immediately (I think I may be able to do this, though it is giving me huge anxiety)

-Add a calcium and vitamin D supplement

-Make a plan for times when I am likely to binge so that I do not binge and then overrestrict to make up for it.  Try to plan for what I am going to eat ahead of time so that I do not get overwhelmed and eat more than I feel comfortable with ( family get togethers/ restaurant meals etc)

 

- she would also like me to increase up to 1650 per day in 10 days, though I do not see that happening.

I am glad that my nutritionist is so understanding, I really like her and feel comfortable talking to her, and that says alot, because I am not comfortable talking to alot of people.

 

“This infuriates me. No wonder society has such distorted beliefs regarding eating disorders. For God’s sake people, eating disorders are MENTAL ILLNESSES. The people who suffer from them don’t choose to be sick anymore than somebody with cancer or alzheimer does. Saying “maybe we can help them realize it’s cooler to be healthy” is like saying “maybe we can help those schizophre­nics realize it’s cooler to not hear voices”. These girls who are promoting each others’ starvation may be well on their way to an eating disorder, but they have not been there yet. I know this because I HAVE been there, and I would not wish this disease upon my worst enemy. Nobody who understand­s the absolute torment of an eating disorder would. It is not about vanity, it is not about popularity­, and it sure as hell is not about looking like Kate Moss. Anorexia and bulimia are a living nightmare. A slow, painful, and drawn out suicide. Honestly, Hell on earth. These girls may not realize that yet, but they will. Because it consumes you, all of you, and it never lets go completely­.”.

I am going to the nutritionist again today.  I am scred she is going to be dissapointed in me.  I have lost about 3 lbs in the last two weeks since I saw her.  I freaked out after binging on the chinese food and over restricted.  I am scared she is going to up my calories again.  I felt pretty good on the 1500, and although I havent eaten that since Friday due to feeling anxious after my binge, I feel confident that I would be able to eat that much again.  I am not confident however, that I could eat more than that.  If I eat more than 1700 per day I will gain weight, and I am not wanting to do that.

Stepping on the scale this morning my weight hit an all time low.  My cognitive brain was very scared, but the ED part of my brain felt victorious.

I am also going to talk to the nutritionist about treatment.  She gave me pamphlets on the two IP/OP programs available in the province.  Both would require me to be away from home for months, because even though one of the programs is OP, it is very far from where I live and I would have to find a place to stay.  I am not going to do that to my kids. They need me, and I don’t want to be away from them for months.  I am scared if I went away that I would have no family or job to come home to.

Getting treatment would also require that I talk to my partner about my ED.  My partner is still very much in denial about my ED.  He chooses not to see it, even though it is right in front of his face, and I dont want to talk about it due to comments I have heard him say about eating disordered people.  (she looks disgusting, why wouldnt they just eat, its easy, she’s crazy, just looking for attention etc)  I am also afraid of what his reaction would be.  About a year ago, I started smoking again and he totally flew off the handle for two whole days he was downright mean, it was a side of him I have never seen before, and don’t want to see again.  I guess it is not much of a relationship when I cant talk to him about anything, but I do not have the resources to take my kids and leave, so I choose to just keep existing where I am, the weight keeps going down, and I hope that something wil click before I die, because I know that I will never be thin enough,

 

I visited with the nutritionist a week and a half ago.  She convinced me to up my calories to 1500 and wants to see me after two weeks to presumably up them again.  She wanted to up them more, but I said I was unwilling and not ready to do that at this point. Here is the plan:

Breakfast 300

Lunch 400

Snack 1: 200

Supper:400

Snack 2:200

= 1500 a day

I was doing really well after a few days of getting used to my new plan, eating a snack at 3pm was very hard and I had alot of anxiety around it, but I did very well until Friday

Friday my partner decided he was going to take me out for supper to an all you can eat chinese food place.  This triggered a huge binge.  I started eating before we even left for supper.  I ate pumpkin pie, chocolate, kashi bars  a butter tart and a muffin before we even left for the restaurant.  Then when we got there I ate two plates of deep fried sticky food.  When I got home my stomach hurt so bad and I felt very lathargic and sick.  I also felt ashamed and disgusting.

so Saturday my intake was only 600, and today about 1000.  I am going to eat less than the 1500 for a few more days to get rid of the excess calories.

I am not sure where I want to go from here.  I know I have said that I hate my body at this low of a weight, but in some ways I like it.  I definately like it more than when I was bigger.  My partner and people around me say I am too thin, but screw them, this is MY body, not theirs.  I am sick of giving everything to others, sick of doing what other people want me to do, just sick of the whole fucking thing.  I am not sure I want recovery after all.

Ok this is embarrassng.  I have really bad gas.  I think it is caused by the mountains of sweetener I add to my coffee, my tea, my cereal, my fruit etc and all the diet pop I drink.  It is getting terrible, even I can smell it and it is very embarrassing when I am in public because I truly cannot control it.  I also work in peoples homes, elderly people who will tell you to your face if they dont like something.  I can sometimes taste a metal sweetener aftertaste in my mouth too.

I eat alot of vegetables and beans , but I have always ate vegetables and beans.  So I am going to try to wean myself off of artificial sweeteners starting today.  I put one spoon of sugar in my coffee, but it did not taste sweet at all (I am used to the sickly sweet taste of sweetnlow) so I am switching to black coffee, just as I stopped using cream about 6 months ago to save calories, it just is not worth starving myelf to have empty calories. I would rather use my calories allowance for something that has vitamins or protien.  I may try putting almond milk in my coffee, since it has calcium.

Today I had to cut down on my morning oats so that I could sweeten them with brown sugar and still fit them into my calorie allowance.  This is going to be hard

I hoard treats in my room just in case I would allow myself to eat them.  In the fall it was mostly chocolate and reese peanut butter cups.  I used to allow myself one peanut butter cup right before bed, but now the hoard is kashi bars, fiber one bars and a bag of popchips.  Instead of allowing myself one treat every day, I only allow myself one maybe 3X a week, and I have intense guilt feelinings afterwards.

Usually to treat myself nowadays, I alow myslef a bowl of oatmeal soup, or some wheat puffs and almond milk.  Sometimes sugar free jello, but this has become “unsafe” recently.  I wonder if I let this go on, what I will allow myself a few more months?

I attempted to eat more yesterday, I really want to recover.  I ate 1750, which most calculators say I would need to maintain, but I had a panic attack afterwards.  I was terrified that I would soon have rools of fat and could feel a muffin top growing.

I realise that in order to do this I am going to have to go slower than that.  So for now I am working my way up to 1450.  Months ago, I would never have dreamed of going over 1300, but now I go over 1300 most days, and closer to 1400.

It seems that at this point in time my safe food is oatmeal.  1/4 of a cup of oats made with 4 oz of almond milk and 1 cup of water.  Very soupy oatmeal.  I top it with low cal jam and sweetener.  But even my safe food seems impossible to eat sometimes.  If there is too much noise, if people are walking around, if anything is messy in the house etc, I have a hard time eating it.  It also has to be the perfect temperature and consistensy.  Last night I had a mini temper tantrum because my cat was meowing and I couldnt eat my oatmeal.  It is so ridiculous and pathetic.

It used to be that I could eat any meal as long as I knew how many calories were in it and it was measured out, but it is becoming more and more difficult to eat.  I spend my days waiting and longing and wanting to eat, but when I finally allow myself to, the act of eating is pure torture.

 

Why is it when you finally admit to someone who has been hounding you about your weight loss for ages that you do indeed have an eating disorder that they are suddenly distant and unsupportive?  Now that I have admitted out loud what they knew all along they can finally be satisfied with this little tidbit of gossip.  I feel like people think I am crazy and “mentally ill”.  I guess I am mentally ill in a sense, with this disorder.

I go between days of “binging” (eating 2000 cals a day) and restricting to make up for it (700-1200)  I feel like I have lost control.  I have scattered thoughts of recovering and eating a normal intake and then 5 minutes later I want to eat 1200 calories again.  I wish I didnt have all these voices in my head.

One bit if progress is that I have been allowing myself to feel emotions rather than just blocking them out,  I actually cried last night for the first time in a long time.  My partner and I actually talked about things instead of pushing them under the rug.  It hurts, but I belive it is a step in the right direction.

I feel I need professional help, an IP program, but dont know what is available here, and dont know how I would handle being away from work and family, or if there would be work and family left to come back to.  Mental illness still has such a stigma attached to it, and in a small town, word gets around pretty quick.